“Before you meet him” – Unhappy marriage post goes viral on Weibo

A The social media post of a Chinese woman sharing her unhappiness in marriage has become a trend on Weibo. The post, which originally appeared on the Zhihu.com question-and-answer platform on May 19, focuses on the issue of losing the desire to share your passions after getting married.

The post was uploaded to Weibo on May 27 by a popular blogger (@我 的 前任 是 极 的, 16 million fans), after which it went viral. Over 37,000 people commented on the post and over 450,000 users liked it.

The post describes the life of a woman who led a happy life in Shanghai but now, married with a child, feels that she cannot share her memories and feelings with her husband, who never stops. to close it. She thinks her married life is like “living in a cage”.

A hashtag page relating to the post (#婚后 分享 欲 丧失 的 瞬间#) received over 490 million views on Friday, making it one of the most talked about Weibo topics of the day.

Over the past few weeks, there have been many hot topics related to marriage and married life in China. Earlier in May, the annual China Good Life Survey, conducted by the National Bureau of Statistics, found that 19.7% of married women in China regretted getting married.

This topic has also sparked discussions about married life and women’s unhappiness, with many commentators indicating that they believe the actual number of unmarried women may in fact be much higher than 19.7%.

Dissatisfaction with marriage is linked to many different issues. The problem of domestic violence has recently received much more attention in China. The issue of women feeling compelled to marry has also sparked much discussion over the years. The conflict between traditional ideas about married life, including the distribution of household responsibilities, and the ambitions and aspirations of modern women in China comes up over and over again in daily discussions.

The post that went viral is (loosely) translated below:

Before I met him, I was in Shanghai, going out to eat and drink every weekend, hike and camp in the mountains with my buddies, and go to my colleagues for games of mahjong and hotpot. . I spent all my money every month and also used installments for my credit card. But I also worked hard, I was the best in a team of ten people. I was doing well for myself, but I was also a little cheerful.

After meeting him, I left Shanghai to go to Guangzhou, because we had a better chance of settling there and buying a house. We have been in Guangzhou for four years now. We got married and have a child. On weekends, we never get together with friends. In fact, we don’t really have any friends. He doesn’t like to go out for a walk and I feel too lazy to move anyway. Before we had our baby, we would watch movies on weekends and have dinner together, but now it’s all about our child. Of course, since we have been leading this life, we have been able to save money even though my salary is not high, and we have a strong sense of security.

But as the days go by, I feel more and more suffocated. I will give you an example, hope you can understand.

Some time ago, I went back to Shanghai to take care of something. I was done by 9pm that night and was feeling good, so I cycled back to the bar, and wanted to see where I had lived. I had lived in Shanghai for three years and was deeply touched by it – I loved this city. Especially the neighborhood of Xujiahui, where I had lived, where the streets were quiet and the houses pretty.

When I bring back the memories of my old life, my heart is a little heavy, but I can’t share it with him because I don’t think he would like to hear about it.

After I got back from the bar, I told her about the job interview I had on a video call. HR had told me that they would discuss wages with me the next day. He immediately started giving me lessons on how to talk to them. It would be nice if it was just that, but in his tone of voice I felt he was questioning my abilities like I didn’t understand a thing. This way of speaking will come back daily, but that day it particularly touched me. I just said, “Could you mind your tone and consider my feelings?” I was just riding a bike and felt great, but I can’t share this with you because I know you don’t want to talk about it. He immediately replied, “Don’t tell me, I sure don’t want to discuss it with you. I don’t approve of the values ​​of your life in Shanghai at all, I don’t want to hear about your life there.

I felt hurt. I remember how he shared with me photos taken at his old school before and how I showed interest and brought back memories with him. Even now, I could imagine her not wanting to share more with me, but I can’t imagine her being so determined not to discuss it.

It all left a bad taste in my mouth and made me despair of my life afterwards. How the person who matters most to me didn’t show concern or desire for me while I was away from myself, just wanting to shut you up and not talk about those unnecessary things. Who can I share my happiness with? Who could I confide in and share my desire? Who could get rid of my loneliness? You are married, but have you ever thought that there are women who are treated like that by their husbands and these husbands even think their wives should be grateful to find a wise husband like him? I can’t really analyze it too much. I don’t know if I made myself clear. I just hope someone understands.

Maybe a lot of people are stuck with marital infidelity, domestic violence, or poverty, and you may find that kind of sentimental nonsense very annoying, but I would like to say; isn’t that some kind of psychological domestic violence? When anytime and anywhere you are degraded by your partner, your needs are always grossly dismissed, and you are always afraid of being lectured and blamed for everything you do – isn’t that so hard to do? support?

Some of you may be wondering if there is something that I have done wrong or if perhaps I am truly incapable. I think I can still objectively assess myself: I have an annual salary of 150K [$23,500] (The other day of salary negotiation with the company, we talked about an annual salary of 240K, and by the way, his annual salary is over 400K [$62,700]), I show filial respect to my parents, I’m especially good to my in-laws – I gave birth to the son the whole family wanted (not to mention the preference for boys), we don’t have a home nor car (we plan to buy a house). I don’t like luxury goods. The most expensive bag I have is the 780 [$122]. I don’t wear makeup. My skincare products are Curél rank. My most expensive shoes are not more expensive than 600 [$94]. Since I have been with him, I have only made two three-day trips to the area. Usually I pay for most meals and movies (he pays for water and electricity), Starbucks is overpriced, but we often have Luckin Coffee. In general, I am a level-headed woman – not too materialistic and certainly not stingy – a mentally healthy woman who aspires to a happy life.

Before I got married, I looked forward to living my married life. Maybe my parents were too happy. After marriage, I feel like I’m living in a cage 80% of the time. I can’t escape it, and even though I could escape, I don’t know where to go.

The hardest part in marriage is not that you are not married to a good man, but that you are married to a man who everyone thinks is a good man, but who is not at all good for. you and doesn’t even want to be good. yours.

One of the main reasons the post went viral on Friday was because the anonymous blogger’s story resonated with many Weibo users.

“I think it could have been me”, a nobody said: “Before, if there was something, he would be the first person I would share it with, but not anymore. Because now I think he wouldn’t like it, or even like it, or show interest at all. Over time, I stopped sharing my feelings with him, whether I was happy or unhappy.

A commentator wrote: “When men get married, it’s fine as long as they go to work, there is no big difference with being single. Yet when women get married, they also need to work, deliver and care for the baby, do the housework, serve the in-laws – it’s not just about losing the desire to sharing your passion is just not having the time to do it. share!”

Others also comment that sometimes too much information is shared between them and their partner: “He even lets me know how many times he’s been to the bathroom!”

While a lot of people understand or even relate to the original poster’s situation, there are also those who don’t understand why she doesn’t divorce. “It’s not about losing a passion to share, it’s about not loving someone anymore”, some say: “If you can’t even talk about the things that make you happy anymore, this is the start of the end.”

Through Manya Koetse

Featured Image By JJ Ying at Unsplash

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