I’m not going to waste time here. Reason prevailed. My beautiful daughter decided to get married in the mountains on Memorial Day weekend, instead of April as she initially wanted. She is such a smart girl.
I had explained to her that an outdoor wedding in the mountains was fraught with a million dangers, including spiders, dust storms, and lost hikers accidentally wandering around and pouring themselves a free beer. The biggest danger, however, is freezing to death, as you simply cannot predict what April will be in the mountains.
Yes, in case you missed last week’s column (a tragic event for sure), Curly Girl is getting married at the far too young age of 22. At least I love her fiancé, unlike her longtime ex-boyfriend whose only interest in life was monster trucks. My very smart daughter knew far too little about Jane Austen, and far too much about the Monster Truck Driver Instagram posts, during those four long years.
Either way, she’s now in love with a guy who’s been adoring her since 8th grade and she’s unlikely to change her mind anytime soon. That’s what I want. My daughter to adore for the princess that she is, for her beautiful heart and brains as well as for the fact that she is not bad.
They wanted to get married in April because they got engaged in April, but my attitude is that then they go without two birthdays to celebrate instead of one. Aside from that idea of being outside for five hours at sunset and later at 6,000 feet where the air is thin and cold.
During our rather heated debate on this subject, I pointed out that none of those who argued in favor of April had ever even been in the mountains that month, whereas I lived in that month. altitude, and that I experience cold nights and even surprise snowstorms. There is a ski resort just up the hill. I don’t want to put on skis to go to the ceremony.
As some of you know, I was too cranky to get married, so this will be the only wedding I have ever had. And I don’t want to spend it shivering in a parka, especially since it costs me three times as much as I originally wanted. And I’m pretty sure Curly Girl doesn’t want her wedding dress covered with a coat when she walks down the aisle. She wants to look like a fairytale princess, so I’m sure she’ll find a ball gown that will cost a king’s ransom, which I can’t afford.
She inherited my frugal Deals Diva genes (yes, she was adopted but, relax, that’s a metaphor), so hopefully we can find a second-hand wedding dress that she’ll love. Brides literally spend thousands of dollars on dresses these days, but I refuse to buy her a dress that costs more than my 2001 Toyota Corolla is worth.
And, for the good souls who will read this and gift your dresses, note that she is incredibly picky and still hates everything, especially if I like it.
I told my friend at a restaurant last night how much I was spending on this wedding and she almost spit her food on the table. But what can you do? That’s what things cost. I know we could have a picnic in the park on the cheap, but she’s my only daughter and I’m just happy to be alive to see her walk down the aisle, so, yeah, I’m going to retire money from my pension fund to do it. Even though I have stomach cramps every time I think about it. What if I live long enough to actually need the money? Just hope I have this problem.
At least the place we chose is basically all inclusive which means Marla Jo has nothing to do. They provide the food, the bartender, the venue, the DJ, the flowers, the tables and chairs, the happy hour and even the wedding cake. All we have to do is show up with a photographer and officiant, and they will even provide the celebrant if we wish, for an additional fee. We have to bring our own beer and wine which I like because that means I won’t be paying $ 26 a bottle for banquet wine which I can buy at Grocery Outlet for $ 3. Seriously. True. And my friend Ana Venegas, who is an amazing photographer, volunteered to take the photos for free.
The hardest thing to do is diet because I want to lose enough weight that I can wear this gorgeous black satin evening dress someone gave me years ago. (The wedding colors are black and white. I know. It’s a thing now.) It’s just gorgeous, but I’m too fat for that right now. You know you are officially old when you’re the mother of the bride and you’re thinking, “I don’t need to buy a new dress. I already have something in the closet.
Regardless, the happy couple have finally decided to tie the knot on Memorial Day weekend when the weather is expected to be much warmer. And, no, I’m not going to tell you exactly when and where. I know you. You would crash and drink all the champagne.