Should our parents pay for our marriages?

Every day, brides, grooms and wedding guests related to them take to forums on Reddit like the subtitles Am I the Asshole, Wedding Shaming, and Bridezilla to check on their behavior. A marriage-related post on Reddit gained viral attention this month after a bride complained that her mother had not paid for her wedding, which led to heated debates.

The bride shared a text chat with a screenshot between her and her mom, where her mom said, “Maybe you need to rethink some of your wedding expenses, you can have a really nice wedding with a little one. budget. I did it.’ The bride felt hurt by this request to reduce her wedding expenses, responding, “This is my first and only marriage, I want it to be what I want it to be. Besides, the parents are not. aren’t they supposed to pay?

This bride expected her mother to loosen the strings on her purse, but instead her mother turned down her request for financial aid. ‘You are laughing at me? I don’t have any money either and I haven’t paid anything for your brother, ”she replied.

The poster captioned the conversation ‘Maybe I’m the asshole but it hurts. I’m 36, have never been married and want the wedding of my dreams. You would think that being his only daughter, she would want to do something, anything, to help him. I would do it for my daughter, even if I was just offering to buy the cake. But no, I ain’t getting nothing flat [from my mother] and it is justified by ‘I did not help your brother at all for his marriage’. ‘

The bride said she was always ready for her and her fiancé to fund their wedding on their own, but hoped that help would be offered to ease the financial burden. “But now I know it’s not. ”

This complaint is a real room divider. Most of the Reddit users who comment are fiercely “team mum” with a comment “I wouldn’t take money from my mum because I knew she didn’t have enough to spare and I told her. said to spend it on her dress. My husband and I paid for the whole thing. Is that what adults do… is this lady really 36?

Another replied: “I love the way the bride displays her age as if it justified wanting the mother to pay. I can understand parents pay when you’re 20 with no career or savings (but still, if you want to get married that young, do a courthouse or something.) But especially in your mid-thirties, don’t shouldn’t you have the savings at this point to fund your own wedding? ”

Others even felt that it would be inappropriate to take money from parents even if they offered it. “My mom offered to pay for my entire wedding. I did not accept his money because my husband and I are rich enough to pay for it ourselves. Even if we weren’t, I can’t imagine taking money for something so unimportant. I would just downsize the wedding if I couldn’t afford it, ”one Reddit user commented.

But others felt differently. A Reddit user shared the story of her own marriage, which was tightly controlled by her parents and seen as a family affair, rather than limited to the bride and groom. “My parents wanted to participate in my dress, the bridesmaid dresses, the location and the ability to veto anything they didn’t like. Since they wanted to choose everything and fuss about whatever I wanted, I felt like they had to pay for it. So they did.

From what I’ve seen from Say Yes to the Dress, being able to have a say in the details of the wedding is a common motivation for a parent paying for their child’s wedding, and it’s not really rare for mothers to be a little controlling with marriages! In this situation, I would personally tell my mom where to go. But compromising on a “you choose it, you pay for it” deal seems like a good way to keep everyone happy, as long as parents can afford it.

It’s a long-held idea – once a tradition and now unnecessary pressure – that the parents of a bride pay the cost of a wedding. My partner and I got engaged last year and if I had a ten for everyone who asked if my dad (who doesn’t exist for that matter) will cover the costs, I could pay for the wedding with the total. Maybe that’s because I have a single parent who has always been upfront about how we work hard to pay our way for luxury items (which, let’s face it, weddings) but I don’t. hadn’t even thought about asking my mom to pay for our wedding.

Some clearly do – a study by found that only 1 in 10 couples pay for their wedding, seeking the finances of the bride’s parents or other family members. But things seem to be changing. In 2015, 45% of heterosexual marriages were paid for by parents of the bride, while 42% of heterosexual marriages were covered by the bride and groom, while 12% of marriages were paid for by parents of the groom.

But more recent research from Tree of Hearts shows that more and more couples have started paying for their weddings since then. And if parents choose to contribute financially to their children’s weddings, it is still generally around 45%, with the bride and groom taking care of the rest. More and more couples are now fully covering their wedding bills.

Even if you expect help from your parents, the support doesn’t have to be in the form of money, and it certainly doesn’t have to cover the entire marriage. I’m planning a £ 8,000 wedding – my mom is covering my £ 600 dress and shoes. The rest will be covered by my fiancé and me. I can’t express how happy and grateful I am that my parents offered to put these contributions forward, but I wouldn’t have asked and I would have paid for them if they hadn’t. If you can’t afford a marriage without caregivers, maybe now is not the right time to get married?

Parents who cannot help financially but want to support the bride and groom can bake the wedding cake, come to bridal salon appointments, or help decorate the venue. Or, offer emotional support and sound advice as parents do their best! Ultimately, if you get married, the marriage has been chosen by you and your partner. Your parents are already making the effort to present themselves as guests in their best light, attend your wedding and party with you afterwards (which costs up to £ 1,015 in itself, by the way. ). Isn’t that enough? Expecting someone – parent or not – to spend an average of £ 30,000 on a giant party and maybe even risk getting into debt is unfair to say the least.

About Daniel Lange

Daniel Lange

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